Watching Zoey Play

I am so lucky that I have the chance to see Zoey play with her friends on any given day.  I'm not stuck at work wondering what she's doing or how she acts around her peers.  I get to witness it first hand.  I am so thankful that our situation has allowed me this time.

Watching Zoey play over the last few weeks, I've noticed just how much she has blossomed and really "come into her own".  She no longer needs me to play with her when her friends are around and hardly even plays in the same room that I am in when she has a three-year-old playmate to romp around with.  I think we've officially entered the Big Kid Stage.  More independent.  More creative.  More outgoing and social.  More interactive, talkative, and just plain fun.

Zoey loves her friends.  Most days, whether we are going to a friend's house or a friend is coming here, she says "I'm so scited" at least once before the play date begins.  And then, when we pull in to their driveway or a car shows up here, there is usually a squeal of delight.  She really does LOVE her friends.  And it doesn't matter which friend it is or the type of "play" that will be involved...she just wants to interact with someone her own size.  And, boy, do they play!

During the course of a week, Zoey will run wildly around a house with a friend right by her side, sit in a bedroom (often with the door closed) playing with Barbies or creating other imaginative situations, color and "do art" calmly at a kitchen table, and insist that a friend chase her...and beg until it happens.  She plays in pools and sprinklers, with dolls and dress up clothes, in tennis shoes and bare feet.  She sweats, she smiles, she screams, and she snuggles...often all in the course of one get together.  She makes herself at home in friends' houses because these friends have become more like extended family than just friends.  She'll throw off her shoes, run upstairs, and start playing before I can even say hello.  Zoey loves her friends.

And then, I also get to experience the "village" when my friends feed Zoey, help her put on her shoes, bandage up a cut or boo-boo, and treat her just as they do their own.  Its amazing because I love their kids and they love mine just like family.  I guess years of friendship does that.  We swap babies, tend to whoever is crying, and solve problems regardless of who the instigator is.  When we're together, they are all "our" children...and that feels good.

So...that's what I'm going to miss.  I'm terrified that just as Zoey has established these real friendships, I'm taking her away from them and she'll forget all about them.  My village has come a long way and we've worked hard to build a strong network - and now one part is leaving.  I'm sad that we have to go and start all over.  I'm worried that Zoey will forget about the fun she has with these friends - the friends we will be coming home to and the friends we love so much.  I'm scared these relationships will lose their closeness and their spunk and that the comfort Zoey has with these kids and their Moms will slowly disappear.  And, I don't want to miss all the growing up - all the little moments - that my friends' kids will do over the next two years.  I love these kids, too, and I don't want to say goodbye to them.  I will miss the running, the chasing, the giggling, the make-believe, and the chitter-chatter that Zoey does with these friends - our extended family.  I know it will be replaced for awhile with the same play with other kids, but I don't want it to end with these friends that we spend so much time with.  Each of these little friends has a piece of my heart...I saw them as newborns, celebrated first birthdays with them, watched them take their first wobbly steps, and now listen from afar as they have real conversations with my little girl.  It will be hard to say goodbye.

To Zoey's little friends and their Mamas...we love you and we will miss you.  Weeks won't be the same without the texts of "are you free to play on Tuesday" and "your house or mine?"  You mean the world to us and we will be anxiously awaiting the play dates when we come back home.  

Why...

As Life continues keep us on our toes, I can't help but think about how far I've come over the last ten years.  I think about who I was and who I am now.  I think about who I want to be and how I want this adventure to impact me.  I think about the "shy girl" who never really had intentions of branching out...how that girl was encouraged to step outside her comfort zone by someone she fell in love with...how that girl became a wife...then a mom...and how she will now pack up her family and embark on a journey that feels very unknown.  I think about the words that might define me...never imagining that "adventurous" and "brave" would be among that list.  

When I think about who I want to be, words like "humble", "compassionate", "inspiring", "loving", and "strong" top the list.  I try to remind myself that this journey will help these words become more a part of me.  That they might already be there, but they will grow and bloom and strengthen over the next two years.  And I can't help but think that this will be good for me.  Yes, I could become those things without moving across the ocean, but this takes it to a whole other level.  And then I think "why am I doing this?"

I'll tell you why...

1) I want my husband to have "dreams come true".  I want him to write the exciting chapters of his life that he's always wanted and I want to be there with him while he does it.  It may not have been MY dream, but helping someone you love's dream come true feels pretty good.

2) My kids.  If I can pass on anything to my kids it's the understanding that they are strong, resilient, and "they can".  During the tough moments when they think they can't, they can.  Ok, maybe that's for me, too.  I know there's a good chance that they will have very vague, if any, memories of this experience...but I will show them pictures, write them letters, and explain how strong they were and how they already "lived bigger" before they even entered kindergarten!

3) And a little piece is for me.  Amidst the heartache I already feel about leaving is a little voice that says, "you will change for the good".  You will become more aware.  You will become more appreciative.  You will get to be with your kids for years you  might not have otherwise had at home with them.  I try to remember that when the heartache tries to take over.

I will never pretend that this move is easy or that I am completely comfortable with the idea.  I'm scared.  I'm sad.  And I'm worried.  But, I just keep reminding myself of reasons 1-3 above...I can't dwell on being scared or sad or worried.  It does me no good.  It creeps in, I let it stay for awhile, but then I do my best to force it out because I can't let those words become what defines me.  "Strong" needs to kick "Scared's" butt!

As six weeks starts to dwindle, I am trying to tattoo memories onto my heart because I want them to be there when I'm sitting in Italy thinking about home.  The everyday moments of the life I've built here and the life I will come back to - the things I cherish that I know I will miss.  And it always comes down to you who are reading this.  It comes down to the people I love.  Plain and simple, I will miss them.  Zoey will miss them.  Kaia will miss them.  Kevin will miss them.  We will miss you terribly.  But, you are our home and our village and that just doesn't go away.  And so, you will be here - hopefully with arms open wide - when we come home.

Ok...so I'm really looking forward to writing posts without tears in my eyes.  I am excited to post about all of the wonderful things that our adventure offers us once we are settled into our Italian life!  That day will come!  I know I'm sappy...I just type what's on my mind.  And soon, it will be posts filled with once-in-a-lifetime photos and stories of how we "made it"!  More to come...